I came across this ad today when I was searching Craigslist for CUCV goodies. The following is a cut and paste from that ad.
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I really should start out by telling ya, if yer lookin' fir a "Gas pump friendly" truck, friend, just keep on walkin'.
If all ya want is a real brief description of the uncaged animal ya got yer peepers on right now, I'll give ya two words "Pure Testosterone." Forget those miracle pills bub, this'll fix any issues ya may have in that there arena.
What you see before you is a 1984 CUCV, or Military truck made by Chevy.
This was the All American back bone of the free world's military.
This ain't just yer every day, run of the mill pickup either boy. This thing was built with the sweat and blood of real Americans. Forged from iron ore dug from the heart the mountain that whooped Mt. Doom's rear end. Chevy's "Like a Rock" slogan. . . Yeah, that was written about this trucks little brother. This trucks slogan? Like the hammer of Thor.
After a life of service in the American military, this behemoth went on to serve in two fire departments. Saving lives is just what she does.
I stumbled across this beast while volunteering with my local department. It was my favorite truck to respond to calls in, so when I heard she needed a new home, I couldn't help but to oblige.
Since that day, my life has never been the same. And neither will yers.
So if yer looking for some "fast and furious" inspired, solar powered, liberal stickered, pansy mobile. . . or even some crossover soccer van. . . I told ya to get outta here. So, do yerself a favor and just git.
If ya think yer ready to handle this pulse pounding, ground shaking, mountain moving, fine piece of Americana machine. . . Get your tranny in gear, take her home and see if ya got what it takes to tame this beast.
At this girl's heart is a bone rattling 6.2 liters of untamed diesel blood pumping through her V-8 Detroit non-emissions engine. She ain't afraid of work, with her 4X4 and 1 & 1/4 ton suspension. Yeah, ya read that right. 1 AND 1/4 ton. If you can't handle that. . . don't bother fairy skipping over here. You'll just get turned around and sent back to where ya came from with a swift kick in the hind quarters.
If you come over askin' about CD/MP3 or A/C. . . plan on gettin' hit in the face with a wrench. This beast was made so you could listen to her heart pounding while you gripped her wheel firmly in your callused hands with the smell of smoke and gun powder on yer clothes and three days stubble on yer face.
"What if it's hot?". . .Ya whiney child! I told ya to stop readin. . . Anyone who drives this beast doesn't give a dang about heat or cold. Not even skin melting heat or arctic cold. If it's hot, you roll the window down the good ol' fashion way, and stick yer sweat and blood drippin' arm out the window. If it's cold. . . well, you take yer lady friend for a ride and find other ways to warm up.
If yer looking for some show piece ya have to pansy park in the garage and dust off with your little micro fiber fairy duster. . . Then go find some import car to plant your evolutionist bumper sticker on. Whoever drives this is a God fearin', gun totin', bible thumpin', American family man. This truck laughs at the rain, bathes in the mud, and scares the thunder outta lightning.
The horse power in this thing, was takin' from the horse Maximus Decimus Meridius rode in on. It pulls Hercules outta the underworld when he gets stuck fightin Hades. You, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood can spend the weekends sitting in the bed of this truck, cold drink in hand, cleaning your bazookas, gatling guns, and Barrett 50 cals, whilst admiring the legendary creature that this truck is.
If yer thinkin' about some Hetcho en China chrome bumpers to put on her. . . Think again amigo. These car smashing bumpers and grill guard are the originals that came on her when she bled red, white, and blue for her country. Back when America was free. They also have the original tow hooks so you can tie her down from all four corners when you drop with her outta the C-130 to surprise Al Qaeda, grenade in one hand, M-16 in the other, and K-bar in yer teeth.
Forget about puttin' any of those Calvin and Hobbes urinating window stickers on this behemoth. 'Cause when you come thundering down the road in this beast, there will be no questions asked, no further explanations given. . . they will move outta yer way faster than a slow Spaniard in the bull run.
If yer thinking' yer ready to tame this chick magnet, and put her on yer piece of land. . . Better get ready for some real changes around yer castle. Let's just look at a few things that may occur:
1. Chuck Norris will start telling jokes about YOUR greatness.
2. Yer boss will be given' ya HIS job. . . Then a raise.
3. Ya start buyin' yer chewing gum at Home Depot. . . On the nuts and bolts aisle.
4. Yer skin will turn to Flint.
5. Yer lady friend won't be able to get enough "alone time" with you.
6. The Matco and Snap-on guys will start an account with YOU.
7. Craftsman will sponsor yer garage.
8. Nascar will give ya free entry fir life. . . And let YOU drive the pace car.
9. Tony Romo and Troy Aikman will start asking for YOUR autograph.
10. BBQ for dinner every night.
11. Steak and Potatoes for breakfast.
12. The trash starts taking ITSELF out.
13. More chest hair.
14. Yer beard'll break any razor that touches it.
15. Grease under yer fingernails
16. Grit in yer teeth.
17. Fingers as hard as Iron.
18. A stare that would freeze ****.
Sounds purdy darn good, don't it?
If it don't. . . than put yer GPS enabled smart phone back in yer man purse and storm off.
If you think you can tame her, and are ready to give it a shot. . . you better bring twenty five hundred Dollars. . . American Cash. If at any point ya think you've worn her out. Just drag her on over to my house in any condition. And I'll take her off yer hands.
(for those politically correct, and mentally dim people among us. . . nothing I have said is to be considered, construed, or implied as a guarantee, promise, or threat. Medical, legal, or otherwise. Most of which is meant as satire. This truck is bought as is. There are no returns, refunds, or exchanges. Buyer is to verify all information. In no way is this associated with Marvel, Matco, Snap-on, Craftsman, Nascar, the NFL, or any team, company, or organization. Get a life, and use some common sense.)
